Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to Stop

by Amy Meyer Allen 
​When I found out my husband had been going to prostitutes for over a year and half without me realizing it, I was both shocked and relieved. Shocked, because I could hardly believe I didn't know! Relieved, because I knew God had revealed it to me.

About three years prior to finding out about the prostitutes I had kicked my husband out of our house when I found out he had an affair. When he called me one day, broken and repentant, I slowly let him back into my life – letting him earn back and rebuild my trust in him. After finding out about the affair, my Mom mailed me a book called “An Affair of the Mind,” by Laurie Hall. In it, the author expressed her own struggle with her husband's pornography addiction and acting out with prostitutes. I remember reading about the prostitutes thinking, “At least my husband's not that bad.” Little did I know what was going on in his heart and soul.

In the book three main points have stuck with me over years.

1. I needed to be more concerned about my husband's soul than I was about saving our marriage. - Mark 8:34-38

2. I could not control my husband, but must relinquish any control I thought I had over him to God. - Romans 8:6 NLT

3. I shouldn't drive myself crazy trying to be a detective and figure out what my husband was doing. Instead I needed to trust that God would reveal anything He wanted me to see in His timing. - Job 12:22, Deuteronomy 29:29

I could see my husband's soul withering away right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand about spiritual battles then otherwise I would have put on the full armor of God. Instead I just had these freshly revealed principles to cling to. It was hard to think of our marriage dissolving, but I did recognize the wisdom that my husband's soul was more important than our “happily ever after.”

The issue of control was pretty new to me. For the first time in our marriage I was forced to realize that I had absolutely no control over my husband's actions. I could cry, scream, bargain, manipulate, but in the end my husband's choices were his alone. At one point I did symbolically give my husband to God while praying with his parents and my Mom. I asked God to take hold of his life because I knew I was helpless to change him. - James 5:16

Before I knew about these principles, I had found out about the affair by snooping through my husband's credit card bills. Granted, we didn't have the best arrangement in the first place – we each had separate bank accounts, credit cards, etc; not the greatest way to “become one” in marriage. But in the book I learned that God could be trusted to reveal anything I needed to know about my husband in His way and His timing. That freed me from excessive worry, trying to control the situation, or being accused by my husband of snooping in his stuff. So when God did reveal to me that my husband had been going to prostitutes, it was obvious: an escort service flyer was stuck in the memory of my printer and came out when I tried to print something else.

Ten years after God reconciled our marriage I still remind myself of these very important and Biblical principles. It keeps me from snooping or trying to control or even change my husband, and reminds me to pray for him instead.

Remember: …with God all things are possible! – Matthew 19:26

Father, I pray for the person reading this right now. Help them to stay calm, keep their focus on You, and realize that they are helpless to change their spouse. Only You can do the kind of heart surgery that is needed in this situation. In the meantime, give them the strength to trust You, relinquish control, and believe that You can do anything. We pray that You will bring these precious souls into a living, loving and saving relationship with You, through Your Son, Jesus. We pray for true repentance and that You will reveal what needs to be brought into the light in Your perfect timing. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.