Are you enabling your spouse's sin?

8/31/2012

by Amy Meyer Allen
I had every intention of never speaking to him again. After discovering my husband, Tim, had been going to prostitutes for over a year without me realizing it, I filed for divorce.

Unbeknownst to me, God had a much different plan in store. During a six month separation, God held back the divorce papers and brought both my husband and me into a true relationship with Himself through Jesus. Then He called me to reconcile with my husband.

In each of these situations, God directed my steps and showed me very clearly what to do. (Proverbs 20:24) The key was listening to Him. Every marriage situation is different. There are different circumstances, different people coming from different backgrounds, different journeys and relationships with the Lord. Perhaps one spouse is a believer in Jesus and the other isn't. Maybe they both think they are following the Lord but neither one of them has a close relationship with Him.

Many women in my situation ask me for advice. I can only share what God has done in my own marriage and encourage them to seek the Lord with all their heart. God is able to show each one of us what we should do. He desires that each of us trust Him and ask Him for advice and direction. I believe God uses these devastating situations to bring us closer to Him. Because He created each one of us uniquely, He can show us what to do in every unique situation.

Sometimes God will call us to stay. Sometimes He will call us to separate. Never will He ask us to condone or enable sin.

When God called me to move back home with my husband, I did so only out of love and obedience for Him. I was very afraid of being hurt again. During our time apart, God gave my husband a glimpse of hell, where he was headed if he continued with his life of sin. Thankfully he got the message, and, in tears of release and repentance, he gave his life to Christ. (2 Corinthians 7:10) One of the ways I knew it was God's will to reconcile was because of the true repentance I saw in my husband. It was amazing to see how excited he was about the Bible. He was convinced it was 100% true and he should live his life by it. I saw my husband as a new creation in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

God wants each one of us to be with Him forever. This means truly turning from our sin, repenting, and giving our lives to Him. I believe a big part of our roles as wives is to love our husbands enough to leave them when they are sinning and not take personal responsibility for their sin. (1 Corinthians 7:2-6) If our husband is not a believer, separating for a time may be the only way God can get their attention. That old saying, “You don't know what you've got until it's gone” often comes true in this kind of situation.

I learned that if I truly love my husband, truly want what is best for him, then I cannot condone or enable his sin. I have to be the wife he needs, not necessarily the wife he wants. The wife he needs prays for him, encourages him to spend time with the Lord, cheers him on, forgives him when he stumbles, hates the sin but loves the sinner.

Sometimes love is tough. It does the very thing we may not “feel” like doing. It doesn't always line up with our emotions or feelings because love isn't a feeling but an action. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) It looks out for the best for the other person, even if that person may “feel” unloved at the time. Isn't God that way with us? He doesn't always give us what we want, but He always gives us what we need. Because He loves us so much, He wants us to grow, persevere, and become more like Jesus in character. (Philippians 2:1-18)

“My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” ~ James 5:19-20 NIV

Father, I pray for people that are struggling with sexual sin. I pray You give their spouse the strength they need to separate when necessary and the obedience to reconcile when You call them to that. You are a God of redemption. Help each one of us to follow You and trust Your guidance in every situation. You alone have all the answers. I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen.

9 Comments

Theo

9/8/2012 12:55:12 am

Amy, my heart is torn over this. My own marriage fell apart and the well-meaning Christian people around me spoke of "tough love"... But all it did is justifymy attitude of entitlement, as I focused on how I had been wronged by a man who very clearly couldn't decipher his own actions

9/8/2012 01:03:59 am

Instead of humbling myself before God, petitioning God to free my husband from sin, as Satan had taken him captive to do his will, I became his judge and jury, I became his accuser. The bible says that Satan is the accuser. Well, instead of loving my husband unconditionally, I took on Satan's role.

The truth is, we are all sinners, and it doesn't stop because we become Christian.

9/8/2012 01:09:59 am

Oops! That's embarrassing..! Please delete some of these, the site kept giving me a posting error and not telling me or showing me that it posted. I kept guessing that it was too long, shortening it and trying again...

9/8/2012 01:14:18 am

Jesus says that God permitted divorce decrees not because it was His will that people get divorced but because of people's hard hearts. They were "divorcing" their female spouses anyway, but without some sort of decree, or paper documentation of it, they women had nothing left to them but prostitution as a way to eat and not starve.

When Christians speak of divorce

9/8/2012 01:39:17 am

The site gets glitchy and doesn't allow me to finish the comment. Really weird :O

When Christians spoke of divorce to me, it was always emphasizing my rights and what I am entitled to, how I am not entitled to bbent stepped on, etc.
I had a "limit" for what I considered accepted, what I would "forgive". I thought I was forgiving 70 times 7, but I had no idea what that meant. I had no idea what it meant to die to self and live as Christ. I couldn't love a sinner, because in truth, little did I know I not had died to self, I was still demanding my marriage my way, I was still on the throne of my life and had never submitted or given it all to God.

I wanted to think of myself as a person who loved unconditionally and loved as Jesus did. I wanted very much genuinely to had died to self and living as Christ. I wanted it so much that the desire and pressure for it pushed me into self-deception---- into believing I had become that way, that I was living for Christ, that I was being loving, and because I wanted to think of myself that way and I wanted to be that way, I thought I was.

But in truth I was not. God in his goodness knew this.

We are always sinners. Who knows the depravity of the human heart (in Isaiah)? We don't know the fullness of our own depravity. We are continually upheld by God's grace, and it is always undeserved.

Love is the only thing that frees people. God mercy and love has freed me. My husband needed my unconditional love. The things he did we're driven by shame (fear), and withholding love makes that cycle worse. I'm not suggesting pretending we don't see sin. I'm not suggesting we remove the consequences of sin. I'm saying love anyways.

I am terrified of other hearing the same message I was given in how to deal with my husband. I didn't need to punish him or "create" consequences for him. I needed to allow the consequences to be while still loving him unconditionally. I could have been goodness to him, kindness, mercy, even after I shared the thigs he was Doug was hurting me.

I had such a hard heart that God couldn't use me.

In the book of Hosea, God told Hosea to marry a prostitute who went out and cheated on him, and then God told him to take her back. Hosea actually went and bought her back, right out of the sexual sin she chose. God says in that passage that that would be a sign for how he loves Israel.

What does it mean for God to love us like that? What does it mean for us to love as he would? How can I love a sinner?

When I realized what God was saying to me, two years after my hubby left and I was still praying for healing of my marriage, it broke me. I actually left God. I told God, "God, there is no way I can love like that. You are asking me the impossible. I am human and there is just no way that my heart can handle that level of pain."

And I gave up. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt I could not please God.

I think that was exactly what God had wanted. He was tired of me trying so hard. I tried so dang hard, and God really just wanted to me let him do the work while I sat in abandon and faith. Abandoned to faith, if that makes sense.

I can't tell you how many times after that (daily) hope of what God could do and crushing blows of reality and letdown and the process robbed me of all faith again and again. I finally just told God that fine then, he was responsible for my faith too, because I didn't have the strength to muster it, there was nothing left, I was parched dry and could effort no more faith.

9/8/2012 02:03:41 am

Where am I right now? In a weird spot, where I no longer see the world divided up by people who sin and those who don't. I no longer see myself as a non-sinner. Precisely because I understand my own depravity, I understand the struggle and it it not merely "they want to sin or they don't". Being held captive by sin is a real thing. I see people as those who had been freed from captivity and those who have not. Those who are discovering abundant life and those who have yet to. I did not know what abundant life was back then.

My faith is being remade, but it is not in my power. There is absolutely nothing that I can take credit for. My hubby and I are talking again. I no longer accuse. I no longer criticize, condemn, or blame. I was never supposed to anyways. I don't force myself to model love. I cannot "show" Christ to people, in the sense of human efforting. All I can do is be exactly where I'm am at, and the genuine level to which Jesus has transformed me is the natural level of Christ I can show them. My life is no longer a life of works. I no longer effort. Efforting leads to self-deception and not really knowing what's going on inside, self-denial ruled by wanting to think better of oneself. There is no judgment when I say this, just observation.

I'm not saying there is no goodness in me. There is far more goodness now because God has and is transforming me. I can talk about real things and sin because I don't have to hide it from myself. Now I am much kinder, generous, and loving, and not because I "effort" it. It's because of how God changed me.

Not sure if I'm saying it well. It's kind of like this: I can't tell myself to be patient with someone who is being tough to deal with, for example. If I have to, it's not because I'm being patient, lol, it's because I'm being impatient! If I was patient, I would just naturally BE patient with them without even thinking about it. I might even take it for granted that I was doing it, because it would be a skill that I've already developed.

Much in the same way is how I feel about "loving people for Christ". If you're doing it, you don't have to even think about it. That is the kind of persons God wants to transform us into. It's good to be mindful of where we are, noticing those times, for example, that I become impatient, but not so I can fool myself into thinking I am practicing patience, but so that I can be mindful of where I want to be, how I want to grow.

9/8/2012 02:10:28 am

Amy, since I wrote so much and I risk having done some serious feather-ruffling, I'll hide on a cloud after this last share.

Hubby and I (he divorced me, but it just seems weird calling him my ex) are talking again, and it's evident we both have a lot of hurt from what happened. We both still really love each other. I am approaching it differently. I don't bring expectations. I'm not secretly or unconsciously hoping he'll be like God to me, expecting him to not make mistakes and being shocked when he does. No, I can actually accept him as a human, a fellow sinner who is sustained by God's grace and on the process of transformation, just like me.

Jules

9/15/2012 08:05:37 am

Theo, I wanted to tell you your story brought some comfort to me... To a betrayed, hurting wife who's unable to sleep yet again this night. My husband continues his affair despite my having found out last month. I don't know what to do, how to hold his responsible..... What God wants me to do, I don't know. I kept thinking I have to leave...and hating myself for not having the strength...but my counselor tells me that by staying, I might be fighting for my marriage, too... And I just don't know. I pray and pray .. Asking, pleading, begging, surrendering, lifting up into His name....I fear that perhaps God, too, wants me to give it up...to let Him do with me as He wills. That scares me... It scares me so o much.

Troubled Marriage link

12/9/2012 03:48:07 pm

Though I am not a die-hard believer, but I still have trust that the Lord is looking after us. I am as sinful as anybody who might have or not read your post and I totally agree with your point of view. We humans need persistent guidance in our life matters and an advice from another being is simply not enough sometimes. Having faced many tough phases in my marital life, I constantly was reminded of a Holy presence. It was like getting steered to safety every time. It is very peaceful and satisfying to find that some so powerful has a control over things you simply seem to have lost control on.

Amy’s Blog

Are you enabling your spouse's sin?

Leave a Reply.

About Amy

Categories